The Johnathan Leftwinger MP (and brother)

 

 

               

 

Carrying On The Role Of Majestic Troublemaking Where George Galloway Left Off…………

 

 

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MATURITY NOTICE: This website is pitched at a sophisticated socio-political level, interwoven within it a series of complex and often pioneering politico-scientific theorum, intellectual debate and forward looking lectures. As a result, immature or unsophisticated children are not advised to read the data contained therein…..

 

What am I saying? Come on in and learn the correct things to think and do before the prejudiced Forces of Conservatism eat away at you by your adulthood!!!

 

 

 

 

 

NEW ADDITIONS TO THE LEFT WING INFORMATION ARSENAL:

 

 

Live Love, Live Life, LIVE LABOUR!

 

Now listen to me, you obnoxious Public bigots! (Aren’t I being masterful and commanding?!) I’m sick and tired of you lot saying you’ll be voting out Labour at the next election. We’ve so-called ‘failed’, but all you’ve got to do is open your eyes and witness how beautiful life is as you’re living the NuLab utopia!

 

So you can agree that we’re worth the money now?!

 

And that’s not all! What more has New Labour done for the nation these days? For two, we’ve set the scene for the current batch of enlightening political correctness, plus our wonderful sell-out to a bigger bunch of zealous, aloof and dictatorial control freaks than even we! Doesn’t get much better than that mate!

 

Idiots like the Public often bitch on that political correctness has ruined the social fabric and eroded civil liberties. To which I say anybody making that kind of assumption deserves to feel shame at being snootily ignored! (And even if ‘PC’ is such a poisonous force, it can only be said that’s reason enough for the country to take more! It’s like political innoculation against bigotry, racism and all the other buzz-words which make us feel superior to the intellectual animals (ie- the Public)!)

 

VOTE LABOUR! Because where better than to be inside a monolithic, power-hungry Superstate in which we trade power for a few trading benefits? You know it makes sense!!

 

 

 

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR A LEFT-OF-CENTRE GENIUS TO BEAR!

 

Government ministers are now facing an inquiry over the War On Terror. Just because people in Labour just can’t help nobly lying and deceiving the nation with dodgy dossiers, good solid Left Wing people have to answer silly questions about it. As if other people below us are entitled to stand in judgement!!

 

For Allah’s sake, there’s an election coming! Bear in mind only that we ‘arrogant’ demagogues on the Backbenches were right all along to oppose the Iraq thing and so thus you must return me to office on the back of that alone!

 

VOTE LABOUR – Because whatever the Cabinet have done, you know the only people to trust are the noble party rabble-rousers (such as I), plus my anarchist fellow travellers when it comes to the big issues! (Big like fox hunting, so get it in perspective!)

 

VOTE LEFTWINGER; VOTE SANITY!!

 

(I think I’ve rescued our fortunes and Red reputation now!)

 

 

 

 

PICK OF THE LABOUR STATE ARCHIVE ARCHIVE: 

 

 

 

Labour and computers blend so well together. Indeed, does the party not obsess about the digital world to such an extent that even ‘quality’ gets sacrificed for quantity? Not to mention this country’s reactionary pensioners being forced to acquire more frustrating technology, just for the privilege of seeing out their last worthless days in front of Coronation Street or Loose Women on the television?!

 

WITH ALL THAT GLORY, what other option is there for a rational, politically aware person but to indulge in top quality software to help you think properly in a rational PC manner?

 

BRAINWASH YOURSELF CLEAN with these splendid bits of NuLab software previews before we introduce ‘em to our lucky schoolchildren!

 

 

 

 

1: 

LABOUR PEOPLE – I COMMAND (LINE) YOU TO INTERFACE YOURSELF WITH THE DIGITAL AGE MATE!

 

Oh my God mate, my esteemed and trusted colleague, the LABOUR PARTY COMPUTER, has come up trumps again! I asked him to dispense a small yet helpful program to aid the party in coming up with the kind of quality policies you know us for by now. (At first he was unhelpful, citing a clash of logical parameters when trying to match more of the same with quality and ‘sanity’, but after a swift kick to the terminals, he was fully repaired and dispensing the code.)

 

I like the Labour Party Computer you know. He’s as human as we are, not to mention the fact that he’s the CPU-child behind all the New Labour IT policies today! Now that’s impressive (barring the total failure)!

 

So all you have to do now is absorb the groovy induction video, download the program, run it and make the NEW LABOUR COMPUTER TZAR proud that we’re all doing as she says by using computers to boost Labour popularity. After all, we’ve had no luck all the other ways, so computers are definitely the way to go!

 

VOTE LABOUR -  Cos never mind what the frustrated doctors or data-losing civil servants may do for example, WE know we’re right on what to give people so therefore we are! HAVE WE NOT GIVEN YOU A FREE PROGRAM JUST THIS MINUTE?!?!

 

2: 

BE YOURS A PC PC! THINK FOR YOURSELF!

 

Oh yes mate, if there’s one thing you can say about people in Labour, it’s that we never fail to persevere! Which is why I’m continuing to push my new range of educational computer products!

 

First it was the New Labour Policy Processor, now it’s my special NuLab Ethical Trainer being wielded for your Enlightenment! You see, more and more of the unenlightened masses are trying to dabble in politics and social morality in an effort to undermine Labour! But I’m going on the counter-attack to put those idiots back in their place by showing them how things really work in Britain today! We know what’s best, that’s why we do the things we do! Obvious really.

 

So next time one of those Public idiots tries to tell me how to run the place, all I need do is run the software in my efforts to belittle them in the name of free thought!

 

VOTE LABOUR – If our software’s good enough for those moaning NHS incompetents then it’s good enough for you!

 

 

 

 

 

SECTIONS

SOCIAL STUDIES

 

Britain and its noble people are worth fighting for. Don’t let the Public spoil it for us!

 

 

MORE SOCIAL STUDIES

 

Additional Red casework for any serious scholar of the mentality of life here in the Westminster Bubble, pure as it is in its isolation from the barbaric outside world!

 

JOHNATHAN’S TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

 

Even people in Labour can be in the wrong sometimes!

(Well, libelled by the bigoted press and slandered by a hateful Public). It can happen to any of us!

 

 

RECORD RACK

 

Catch up on your Left-related concept listening.

 

 

WISDOM DISPENSARY

 

All the education you’ll ever need under one cyber-roof!

 

 

PAGE FOR THE UNDERAGE

 

 The young people are the future. Make sure you get at them in order to ensure they can create a future fit for us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LABOUR POLICY WATCH!   Embarassment, or invaluable guide to the greatest political literature of our times? WE DECIDE!

 

VOTE LABOUR – The SOLE mainstream party to be directly refined from pure Red raw materials! (ignore all imposters!)

 

Catalogue of crime? Pfft! And anyway, Tories are on there as well, which means that if they do naughty things too, then it’s all alright! That’s what we say! (But still, there’s even Tory crime we Reds actually revere – ‘TREASON’ for the good of the nation!)

 

CHEER ON THE LABOUR ‘POLICE STATE’! After all, it’s the only way to be TOUGH ON CRIME AND TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME!!!

 

The Public are a bunch of F*****G C**TS who need to be KEPT IN THEIR PLACE! It’s being HARD BUT FAIR! VOTE LABOUR! After all, guilty or ‘innocent’, they’re all as bad as each other!!

 

How DARE you slam New Labour as incompetent! Just because you don’t want what we want, you have to insult as inept! Even journalistic pseudo-fascists aren’t as childish as you in the Public!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

DO YOU LIKE ME? ….er, DO YOU, LIKE ME, RUN OUT OF AD-HOMINEM SMEARS WHEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A SNOOTY, SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCREAMING DIATRIBE, er, DEBATE WITH A BIGOT? Well, this handy online book of often tenuously construed offensive language explains how users of even the most innocuous descriptions of me can now be slammed as a filthy white supremacist BNP person! (This is a MUST for all schools mate!) They’ll never call the likes of I ‘uppity’ ever again without falling foul of the race relations board from now on!!!!!!!

 

What the time is NOW in Britain’s best example of a multicultural mix! (Pity I live mostly in the fields of Shropshire, away from all that loveliness I claim to be a part of!)

 

QUALITY RED BACKLASH SPOT! A premier ex-Communist (like myself) lambasts Gordon Brown’s patriotic lip-service. Even if he doesn’t mean a word of it, Golden Gordon can’t even SEEM racist either!

 

 

GIVE YOUR CHILDREN AN EDUCATION INTO WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BRITISH (UNDER NEW LABOUR)!

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS is the greatest pragmatic dogma ever! Its alignment with the natural laws of human nature means that it perpetuates itself, though you wouldn’t think it to see the British fail to take to it! (They’ve always been a quarrelsome bunch of misbehaving oafs!). We’ll fix ‘em, don’t worry.

 

Although Cultural Marxism is presented as somehow sinister in this film, it is nevertheless informative. Our holy new Politically Correct moral codes, which adult bigots react against, injects a sense of responsibility and revulsion into the bloodstream of our neo-youth. We’ve got them trained at least to be able to recognise how anybody thinking different to us is a racist, homophobic far-Right Tory Hitlerite who favours a race war over a class one! Some people just don’t have peace in their brains.

 

Left Wing purity has allowed Western society to be improved by having the bigotry and conservatism punished out of it. Threats of neo-Nazism and jail sentences hang over the mostly middle-class male white bigots if they dare to call for the return to their comfort zones of ‘traditional’ culture and values. (You don’t want the streets full of dead Muslims, homosexuals and marching killers of the BNP with blood on their hands??!!??!! That’s what makes people like them wrong.)

 

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT IN ALL YOUR DOINGS – It’s in the name of Equality, Diversity and Freedom that we must force people to live their lives how we want! One of those paradoxes of life, but it can’t be questioned. Not after all our efforts to ‘destroy’ existing moral frames such as Christianity for being oppressive! We’ve put all our money on this horse, which is why it just can’t be wrong!

 

So do as proper teachers do and sit your children in front of this video; as you would by constantly pausing the action to drone on and on with ‘additional’ information, only to discover the narrator says the self-same things upon resumed playback.

 

VOTE LABOUR – For the only worthwhile trip to take is a GUILT TRIP! (And an acid one, as I have often discovered since 1966!) Bathe in my history and REJOICE!

 

 

We have a COMMON PURPOSE to convert British public life to Red Supremacism without the Public getting in the way for once! And all organised in such a way that it makes any whistleblowers look like the ones who are cranky conspiracy-obsessed nuts! Ah, that’s Left Wing planning mate!

 

All Glory in the UNIVERSAL LIBERAL-LEFT MANIFESTO!

(That and Allah, obviously)

 

Well, here it is for all the budding scholars of Political Science and Philosophy – THE COMPLETE TERMINOLOGY of the neutral and unbiased Lefty Ethos Of Peace, outlining as it does the best method of  transforming the Western Hemisphere into one of tolerance, peace and equality. We must both Enlighten as well as Punish the bigots who stand in our way – how else can we have a world of free thinkers for a change??

 

 

WEBMASTER’S NOTE (I like being ‘master’ of the readers. Labour is Power, see...):

I am one, well the one, of Johnathan Leftwinger MP’s greatest admirers. In his time he has been a political Oracle, University renegade if not actually a graduate, top quality Protest Singer (against the scourge of the bigoted Public), an experienced broadcaster (who cut his teeth on the seminal student radio circuit!) and Man Of The People (when they decide to behave themselves).

 

At the moment I am concentrating on a glamourous portrait, done in oils, of our benefactor. The constituency will never be the same again since Johnathan applied his magical reformist touch! I know most people ‘round here are moaning about him and Labour, but they’ll wake up to the benefits he has brought before it’s too late. Surely, they must!

 

The portrait, of Johnathan standing in a sunlit meadow surrounded by apples, the Giver Of Life, has taken rather too long to complete. Upon seeing the preliminary sketches he decided he was depicted as too ugly. He instructed me in his manly voice that his picture could never be ugly and that a true representation of his features should be reproduced. I respectfully pointed out that it had to be one or the other, but that didn’t stop him from screaming that I was a philistine and that he didn’t deserve such shabby treatment. Of course, I wholeheartedly agree. We mustn’t trash such a noble and wise figure, only doing but his best to re-invigorate the moribund political scene.

 

However, the delay does mean that my half a million pound grant from the County Council sub-Committee For The Raising Of Awareness Of High Art will be increased for my trouble. Of course, it’s not the money. The money merely represents a tangeable measurement against which the artistic merits of the portrait and the importance of its subject are viewed. Although you cannot put a price on national treasures such as these, it’s always a good idea to try. To try to demonstrate to the Public just how actually valuable Mr. Leftwinger is, in real terms, of course. (Indeed, Leftwinger holds some sway with the Culture Secretary. He’s still got the photographs for a start, whatever that means).

 

 

 

Previous essays can be found on http://www.thelabourparty.org.uk/ page (‘An MP Writes’)

 

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Classic Quote:

“I am in the right, but not of The Right!” – Hansard; October 21, 1998

 

 

RELEVANT news to enhance your life:

20th Nov. 2006: EXCITING EXCLUSIVE – Leftwinger Portrait Coming Along Nicely!

 

It is my pride and pleasure to report to you that the picture I’m painting of our glorious MP is taking shape. According to the clock I’ve spent £310,847 of my council grant and I’ve already reached the point of the prototype! Mr. Leftwinger is very pleased at the progress.

Unfortunately, I shall run over budget and over time, but Labour are past masters at dealing with situations of this type. Indeed, Mr. Leftwinger is making a succession of telephone calls as I type, thus ensuring that money and time shall continue to flow freely until the project reaches completion.

And here is the prototype in all its glory, signed by the man himself, ready for charity auction:

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As a post-script I would just like to mention that many people (well two, but for me and my social circle that is many people) have said that Mr. Leftwinger is a megalomaniac for commissioning his own portrait. Well, I say NO!  He merely agreed to it, that’s all, which makes all the difference. Plus, it’s being done by me, an ordinary lowly person, for that common touch. He’d let a proper modern artist paint it if he was just a vain, self-serving pompous kind of person. Mind you, it will be sold by a modern artist, but that’s just for publicity. We hope to sell it to a tax-funded art gallery you know, in order to preserve the Leftwinger legacy. And it will ensure that even more millions will be taken from the Public purse and put where it belongs – the Treasury.

 

 

 

QUOTE, UNQUOTE!

 

That depends on the criminals! – Jack Straw’s reply to Ann Widdecombe when she asked him whether we could see crime falling under Labour (1998).

 

That depends on the germs!   – Johnathan Leftwinger’s reply to a constituent asking whether we could see a drop in the rising Superbug levels in British hospitals (2006). Can I come in the Cabinet now, please?

 

 

 

Johnathan Leftwinger considers himself to be the Sgt. Pepper of politicians, even Left Wing ones. So it's quite apt that he goes on this little jaunt...

 

Johnathan Leftwinger

Revises some Beatles classics.

 

Hello Public. I've just been playing my old Beatles records. That was a trip down memory lane. Those songs were the soundtrack of a generation. Somehow everyone remembers where they were the day they first heard Sgt. Pepper. I was in the Common Room debating Adam Ant's birthday.

 

Excellent as these songs were, it is time to bring them into line with 21st Century Thinking. Let's make the old standards the soundtrack for today's generation of directionless youngsters, with me, Johnathan Leftwinger, saviour of Leftist youth everywhere. I'm just that humble.

 

 

First class rocking there! I should think if Mr. McCartney himself heard these anthems when the young people sing them (as they doubtless will), I would say he'd be more than a little impressed with the quality. Which just proves it. And I am special you know. So much so I’m highly misunderstood. Indeed, when I was a boy I was nearly put in that special hospital; And I was nearly carted off again when I used to have my John Lennon primal scream sessions in the cloakroom when I used to work at that nursery. Which just proves it.

 

And because both myself and Messrs. Lennon and McCartney are all premier Lefties, I should say the blend between their world and mine has been seamless. And it all helps to wash away the guilt that any decent British person will be feeling about the Empire, which is part of the punishment for being white, fascist, boring old us. Which is all too reasonable.

 

VOTE LABOUR!

 

 

 

 

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION with Johnathan Leftwinger

 

Hello Readers. If you’re anything like me then you’ll see yourself as charming and respectable and intelligent and pure. And quite right too, you’re a credit to the Labour Movement if you’ve got those qualities. And I’m sure you’ll admire my humility in passing these compliments.

 

Check these Internet Links on the World Wide Web. You’ll find straight facts and unbiased, impartial opinions on all the things which matter to you. For example, admire the Labour rebel (why hide it when you can revel in it?!) or enjoy the soothing words of my fellow MPs when discussing your favourite views. They’re more adept at molly-coddling you lot than I am (notice more humility there).

 

You have to admit that no matter how you cut it, no matter how you argue, Labour have the last word because it’s the right word! Makes sense!

 

My Hero, well one of them.

 

 

 

MEET MY BROTHER

Says social magnate and political glabrate JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER

 

 

 

My close relative works at the local equality department. And he has created a personalised profile of his work in a self-congratulatory web-page, as is his right. (We in Labour have learned that a truly self-congratulatory web-page is something only we can offer!)

 

Since I was elected, my brother rose through the ranks and ensconsed himself at the top position (in his cubicle). Biased folk have accused us of nepotism, but I don’t see what setting fire to things has got to do with anything! (Indeed, a Scottish Labour Lord did that to some hotel curtains last year and he’s still there! Proof indeed that eccentricity shouldn’t hold anyone back these days!)

 

Since becoming such a high-level VIP in equality circles, almost as important as me myself, he has changed his name by deed-poll; he wanted something dynamic and to escape from his ‘middle-class, cosy, Tory badminton club, old imperial school tie, Bisto slavemaster, cricket balls background’. (KUDOS ON THE SHAME MATE! WELL DONE!)

 

Together we have fought for equality and justice; me in Parliament and him in the civil service. IF ONLY BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE GOT ON AS WELL IN BRITAIN TODAY (YES, I AM INDEED LOOKING AT YOU WHITE PEOPLE!)!

 

And here he is…