The Johnathan
Leftwinger MP (and brother)
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MATURITY NOTICE: This
website is pitched at a sophisticated socio-political level, interwoven within it
a series of complex and often pioneering politico-scientific theorum,
intellectual debate and forward looking lectures. As a result, immature or
unsophisticated children are not advised to read the data contained therein…..
What am I saying? Come on
in and learn the correct things to think and do before the prejudiced Forces
of Conservatism eat away at you by your adulthood!!!
NEW ADDITIONS TO THE
LEFT WING INFORMATION ARSENAL:
Live
Love, Live Life, LIVE LABOUR!
Now listen to me, you obnoxious
Public bigots! (Aren’t I being masterful and commanding?!) I’m sick
and tired of you lot saying you’ll be voting out Labour at the next election.
We’ve so-called ‘failed’, but all you’ve got to do is open your eyes and
witness how beautiful life is as you’re living the NuLab utopia!
So
you can agree that we’re worth the money now?!
And that’s not all! What more has New Labour done for
the nation these days? For two, we’ve set the scene for the current
batch of enlightening political correctness, plus our wonderful
sell-out to a bigger bunch of zealous, aloof and dictatorial control freaks
than even we! Doesn’t
get much better than that mate!
Idiots like the Public often bitch on that political
correctness has ruined the social fabric and eroded civil liberties. To
which I say anybody making that
kind of assumption deserves to feel shame at being snootily ignored! (And even if ‘PC’ is such a poisonous force, it can
only be said that’s reason enough for the country to take more! It’s
like political innoculation against bigotry, racism and all the other
buzz-words which make us feel superior to the intellectual animals (ie- the
Public)!)
THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR A LEFT-OF-CENTRE
GENIUS TO BEAR!
Government ministers are now
facing an inquiry
over the War On Terror. Just because people in Labour just can’t help nobly
lying and deceiving the nation with dodgy dossiers, good
solid Left Wing people have to answer silly questions about it. As if other people below us are entitled to stand in
judgement!!
For Allah’s sake, there’s an
election coming! Bear in mind only that we ‘arrogant’ demagogues on the
Backbenches were right all along to oppose the Iraq thing and so thus you must
return me to office on the back of that alone!
VOTE
LABOUR
– Because whatever the Cabinet have done, you know
the only people to trust are the noble
party rabble-rousers (such as I), plus my anarchist
fellow travellers when it comes to the big issues! (Big like fox hunting,
so get it in perspective!)
VOTE LEFTWINGER;
VOTE SANITY!!
(I think I’ve rescued our fortunes
and Red reputation now!)
PICK OF THE LABOUR STATE ARCHIVE ARCHIVE:
Labour and computers blend so well together.
Indeed, does the party not obsess about the digital world to such an extent
that even ‘quality’ gets sacrificed for quantity? Not to mention this country’s
reactionary pensioners being forced to acquire more frustrating technology,
just for the privilege of seeing out their last worthless days in front of
Coronation Street or Loose Women on the television?!
WITH ALL THAT GLORY, what other option is there for
a rational, politically aware person but to indulge in top quality software to help
you think properly in a rational PC manner?
BRAINWASH YOURSELF CLEAN with these splendid bits of NuLab software previews before we introduce
‘em to our lucky schoolchildren!
1:
LABOUR PEOPLE – I COMMAND
(LINE) YOU TO INTERFACE YOURSELF WITH THE DIGITAL AGE MATE!
Oh my God mate, my esteemed and trusted
colleague, the LABOUR PARTY COMPUTER, has come up trumps again! I asked him to
dispense a small yet helpful program to aid the party in coming up with the
kind of quality policies you know us for by now. (At first he was unhelpful,
citing a clash of logical parameters when trying to match more of the same with
quality and ‘sanity’, but after a swift kick to the terminals, he was fully
repaired and dispensing the code.)
I like the Labour Party Computer you know.
He’s as human as we are, not to mention the fact that he’s the CPU-child behind
all the New Labour IT policies today! Now that’s impressive (barring the total
failure)!
So all you have to do now is absorb the groovy induction
video, download
the program, run it and make the NEW LABOUR COMPUTER TZAR proud that we’re
all doing as she says by using computers to boost Labour popularity. After all,
we’ve had no luck all the other ways, so computers are definitely the way to
go!
VOTE
LABOUR - Cos never mind what the frustrated doctors or data-losing civil
servants may do for example, WE know we’re right on what to give people so
therefore we are! HAVE WE NOT GIVEN YOU A FREE PROGRAM JUST THIS MINUTE?!?!
2:
BE
YOURS A PC PC! THINK FOR YOURSELF!
Oh yes mate, if there’s one thing you can say about
people in Labour, it’s that we never fail to persevere! Which is why I’m
continuing to push my new range of educational computer products!
First it was the New Labour Policy Processor, now
it’s my special NuLab
Ethical Trainer being wielded for your Enlightenment! You see, more and
more of the unenlightened masses are trying to dabble in politics and social
morality in an effort to undermine Labour! But I’m going on the counter-attack
to put those idiots back in their place by showing them how
things really work in Britain
today! We know what’s best, that’s why we do the things we do! Obvious really.
So next time one of those Public idiots tries to tell
me how to run the place, all I need do is run the software in my
efforts to belittle them in the name of free thought!
VOTE LABOUR – If our software’s good enough for those moaning NHS incompetents then it’s good enough for you!
SECTIONS
Britain and its noble people are
worth fighting for. Don’t let the Public spoil it for us!
Additional Red casework for any
serious scholar of the mentality of life here in the Westminster Bubble, pure
as it is in its isolation from the barbaric outside world!
JOHNATHAN’S TRIAL OF THE
CENTURY
Even people in Labour can be in the
wrong sometimes!
(Well, libelled by the bigoted
press and slandered by a hateful Public). It
can happen to any of us!
Catch up on your Left-related
concept listening.
All the education you’ll ever need
under one cyber-roof!
The
young people are the future. Make sure you get at them in order to ensure they
can create a future fit for us!
LABOUR POLICY WATCH!
Embarassment, or invaluable guide to
the greatest political literature of our times? WE DECIDE!
VOTE LABOUR – The SOLE
mainstream party to be directly refined from pure Red raw materials!
(ignore
all imposters!)
Catalogue of crime?
Pfft! And anyway, Tories are on there as well, which means that if they do
naughty things too, then it’s all alright! That’s what we say! (But still,
there’s even Tory crime we Reds actually revere – ‘TREASON’
for the good of the nation!)
CHEER ON THE LABOUR ‘POLICE STATE’!
After all, it’s the only way to be TOUGH
ON CRIME AND TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME!!!
The
Public are a bunch of F*****G C**TS who need to be KEPT IN THEIR PLACE! It’s
being HARD BUT FAIR! VOTE
LABOUR! After all, guilty or
‘innocent’, they’re all as bad as each other!!
How
DARE you slam New Labour as
incompetent! Just because you don’t want
what we want, you have to insult as inept! Even
journalistic pseudo-fascists aren’t as childish as you in the
Public!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU LIKE ME? ….er, DO YOU, LIKE ME, RUN OUT OF AD-HOMINEM SMEARS WHEN IN
THE MIDDLE OF A SNOOTY, SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCREAMING DIATRIBE, er, DEBATE WITH A
BIGOT? Well, this handy
online book of often tenuously construed offensive language explains how
users of even the most innocuous descriptions of me can now be slammed as a
filthy white supremacist BNP person! (This is a MUST for all schools mate!) They’ll never call the likes of I ‘uppity’ ever
again without falling foul of the race relations board from now on!!!!!!!
What the time is NOW
in Britain’s best example of a multicultural mix! (Pity I live mostly in
the fields of Shropshire, away from all that loveliness I claim to be a part
of!)
QUALITY
RED BACKLASH SPOT! A premier
ex-Communist (like myself) lambasts Gordon Brown’s patriotic lip-service. Even
if he doesn’t mean a word of it, Golden Gordon can’t even SEEM racist either!
GIVE YOUR
CHILDREN AN EDUCATION INTO WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BRITISH (UNDER NEW LABOUR)!
POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS is the greatest pragmatic dogma ever! Its alignment with the natural laws of
human nature means that it
perpetuates itself, though you wouldn’t think it to see the British fail to
take to it! (They’ve always been a quarrelsome bunch of misbehaving oafs!).
We’ll fix ‘em, don’t worry.
Although Cultural
Marxism is presented as somehow sinister in
this film, it is nevertheless informative. Our holy new Politically
Correct moral codes, which adult bigots react against, injects a sense of
responsibility and revulsion into the bloodstream of our neo-youth. We’ve got
them trained at least to be able to recognise how anybody thinking different to
us is a racist, homophobic far-Right Tory Hitlerite who favours a race war over
a class one! Some people just don’t have peace in their brains.
Left Wing purity has
allowed Western society to be improved by having the bigotry and conservatism
punished out of it. Threats of neo-Nazism and jail sentences hang over the
mostly middle-class male white bigots if they dare to call for the return to
their comfort zones of ‘traditional’ culture and values. (You don’t want the streets full of dead Muslims,
homosexuals and marching killers of the BNP with blood on their hands??!!??!!
That’s what makes people like them wrong.)
BE POLITICALLY CORRECT IN ALL YOUR
DOINGS – It’s in the name of Equality, Diversity and Freedom that we must force
people to live their lives how we want! One of those paradoxes of life, but it
can’t be questioned. Not after all our efforts to ‘destroy’ existing moral
frames such as Christianity for being oppressive! We’ve put all our money on
this horse, which is why it just can’t
be wrong!
So do as proper
teachers do and sit your children in front of this video; as you would by
constantly pausing the action to drone on and on with ‘additional’ information,
only to discover the narrator says the self-same things upon resumed playback.
VOTE LABOUR
– For the only worthwhile trip to take is a GUILT TRIP! (And an acid one, as I have often discovered since 1966!) Bathe in my
history and REJOICE!
We
have a COMMON
PURPOSE to convert British public life to Red Supremacism without the
Public getting in the way for once! And all
organised in such a way that it makes any whistleblowers look like the ones who
are cranky conspiracy-obsessed nuts! Ah, that’s Left Wing planning mate!
All Glory in the UNIVERSAL
LIBERAL-LEFT MANIFESTO!
(That and Allah,
obviously)
Well, here it is
for all the budding scholars of Political Science and Philosophy – THE COMPLETE
TERMINOLOGY of the neutral and unbiased Lefty Ethos Of Peace, outlining as it
does the best method of transforming
the Western Hemisphere into one of tolerance, peace and equality. We must both
Enlighten as well as Punish the bigots who stand in our way – how else can we
have a world of free thinkers for a change??
WEBMASTER’S
NOTE (I like being ‘master’ of the readers. Labour is Power, see...):
I am one, well the one, of Johnathan Leftwinger MP’s greatest
admirers. In his time he has been a political Oracle, University renegade if
not actually a graduate, top quality Protest Singer (against the scourge of the
bigoted Public), an experienced broadcaster (who cut his teeth on the seminal
student radio circuit!) and Man Of The People (when they decide to behave
themselves).
At the moment I am
concentrating on a glamourous portrait, done in oils, of our benefactor. The
constituency will never be the same again since Johnathan applied his magical
reformist touch! I know most people ‘round here are moaning about him and
Labour, but they’ll wake up to the benefits he has brought before it’s too
late. Surely, they must!
The portrait, of Johnathan
standing in a sunlit meadow surrounded by apples, the Giver Of Life, has taken
rather too long to complete. Upon seeing the preliminary sketches he decided he
was depicted as too ugly. He instructed me in his manly voice that his picture
could never be ugly and that a true representation of his features should be
reproduced. I respectfully pointed out that it had to be one or the other, but
that didn’t stop him from screaming that I was a philistine and that he didn’t
deserve such shabby treatment. Of course, I wholeheartedly agree. We mustn’t
trash such a noble and wise figure, only doing but his best to re-invigorate
the moribund political scene.
However, the delay does mean
that my half a million pound grant from the County Council sub-Committee For
The Raising Of Awareness Of High Art will be increased for my trouble. Of
course, it’s not the money. The money merely represents a tangeable measurement
against which the artistic merits of the portrait and the importance of its
subject are viewed. Although you cannot put a price on national treasures such
as these, it’s always a good idea to try. To try to demonstrate to the Public
just how actually valuable Mr. Leftwinger is, in real terms, of course.
(Indeed, Leftwinger holds some sway with the Culture Secretary. He’s still got
the photographs for a start, whatever that means).
________________________________________________________________________
Classic Quote:
“I am in the right, but not of The Right!” – Hansard; October 21, 1998
RELEVANT news to enhance your life:
20th Nov.
2006: EXCITING EXCLUSIVE – Leftwinger Portrait
Coming Along Nicely!
It
is my pride and pleasure to report to you that the picture I’m painting of our
glorious MP is taking shape. According to the clock I’ve spent £310,847 of my council grant and I’ve
already reached the point of the prototype! Mr. Leftwinger is very pleased at
the progress.
Unfortunately,
I shall run over budget and over time, but Labour are past masters at dealing
with situations of this type. Indeed, Mr. Leftwinger is making a succession of
telephone calls as I type, thus ensuring that money and time shall continue to
flow freely until the project reaches completion.
And
here is the prototype in all its glory, signed by the man himself, ready for
charity auction:
_______
As
a post-script I would just like to mention that many people (well two, but for
me and my social circle that is many people) have said that Mr. Leftwinger is a
megalomaniac for commissioning his own portrait. Well, I say NO! He merely agreed to it, that’s all, which
makes all the difference. Plus, it’s being done by me, an ordinary lowly
person, for that common touch. He’d let a proper modern artist paint it if he
was just a vain, self-serving pompous kind of person. Mind you, it will be sold
by a modern artist, but that’s just for publicity. We hope to sell it to a
tax-funded art gallery you know, in order to preserve the Leftwinger legacy.
And it will ensure that even more millions will be taken from the Public purse
and put where it belongs – the Treasury.
QUOTE, UNQUOTE!
‘ That depends on the criminals! ’ – Jack Straw’s reply
to Ann Widdecombe when she asked him whether we could see crime falling under
Labour (1998).
‘ That depends on the germs! ’ –
Johnathan Leftwinger’s reply to a constituent asking whether we could see a
drop in the rising Superbug levels in British hospitals (2006). ‘ Can I come in the Cabinet now, please? ’
Johnathan
Leftwinger considers himself to be the Sgt. Pepper of politicians, even Left
Wing ones. So it's quite apt that he goes on this little jaunt...
Johnathan Leftwinger
Revises some Beatles classics.
Hello Public. I've just been playing my old Beatles records. That was a trip down memory lane. Those songs were the soundtrack of a generation. Somehow everyone remembers where they were the day they first heard Sgt. Pepper. I was in the Common Room debating Adam Ant's birthday.
Excellent as these songs were, it is time to bring them into line with 21st Century Thinking. Let's make the old standards the soundtrack for today's generation of directionless youngsters, with me, Johnathan Leftwinger, saviour of Leftist youth everywhere. I'm just that humble.
First class rocking there! I should
think if Mr. McCartney himself heard these anthems when the young people sing
them (as they doubtless will), I would say he'd be more than a little impressed
with the quality. Which just proves it. And I am special you know. So much so
I’m highly misunderstood. Indeed, when I was a boy I was nearly put in that
special hospital; And I was nearly carted off again when I used to have my John
Lennon primal scream sessions in the cloakroom when I used to work at that
nursery. Which just proves it.
And because both myself and Messrs.
Lennon and McCartney are all premier Lefties, I should
say the blend between their world and mine has been seamless. And it all
helps to wash away the guilt that any decent British person will be feeling
about the Empire, which is part of the punishment for being white, fascist,
boring old us. Which is all too reasonable.
VOTE LABOUR!
DEMOCRACY
IN ACTION with Johnathan Leftwinger
Hello Readers. If
you’re anything like me then you’ll see yourself as charming and respectable
and intelligent and pure. And quite right too, you’re a credit to the Labour
Movement if you’ve got those qualities. And I’m sure you’ll admire my humility
in passing these compliments.
Check these Internet
Links on the World Wide Web. You’ll find straight facts and unbiased, impartial
opinions on all the things which matter to you. For example, admire the Labour
rebel (why hide it when you can revel in it?!) or enjoy the soothing words of
my fellow MPs when discussing your favourite views. They’re more adept at
molly-coddling you lot than I am (notice more humility there).
You have to admit
that no matter how you cut it, no matter how you argue, Labour have the last
word because it’s the right word!
Makes sense!
My
Hero, well one of them.
MEET
MY BROTHER
Says
social magnate and political glabrate JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER
My
close relative works at the local equality department. And he has created a
personalised profile of his work in a self-congratulatory web-page, as is his right.
(We in Labour have learned that a truly self-congratulatory web-page is
something only we can offer!)
Since
I was elected, my brother rose through the ranks and ensconsed himself at the
top position (in his cubicle). Biased folk have accused us of nepotism, but I
don’t see what setting fire to things has got to do with anything! (Indeed, a
Scottish Labour Lord did that to some hotel curtains last year and he’s still
there! Proof indeed that eccentricity shouldn’t hold anyone back these days!)
Since
becoming such a high-level VIP in equality circles, almost as important as me
myself, he has changed his name by deed-poll; he wanted something dynamic and
to escape from his ‘middle-class, cosy, Tory badminton club, old imperial
school tie, Bisto slavemaster, cricket balls background’. (KUDOS ON THE SHAME
MATE! WELL DONE!)
Together
we have fought for equality and justice; me in Parliament and him in the civil
service. IF ONLY BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE GOT ON AS WELL IN BRITAIN TODAY (YES, I
AM INDEED LOOKING AT YOU WHITE PEOPLE!)!
