The Johnathan Leftwinger MP (and brother)
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MATURITY NOTICE: This website is pitched at a sophisticated
socio-political level, interwoven within it a series of complex and often
pioneering politico-scientific theorum, intellectual debate and forward looking
lectures. As a result, immature or unsophisticated children are not advised to
read the data contained therein…..
What am I saying? Come on in and learn the correct things to
think and do before the prejudiced Forces of Conservatism eat away at you by
your adulthood!!!
NEW ADDITIONS TO
THE LEFT WING INFORMATION ARSENAL:
WELL, I’M BACK!
(And you’d better have noticed my absence too,
Public!)
You probably wondered where I have been since the GLA
elections. You may have thought I was nobly touring the remaining Labour areas
in our capital, galvanising the demoralised activists. Well I was, well via
email; we believe in the power of IT to solve all our problems (as the
doctors in the NHS using our ‘faulty’ and ‘poorly designed’ new multi-million
Pound databases can confirm!).
No, I rather understandably, with a total lack of melodrama which a New
Labour hallmark, took to my bed for a month. To see the BNP gain even one seat
on the GLA, even with our vote rigging taken into account, can depress the
strongest of persons. Then came the party beating us in the Henley by-election!
I could have taken a two-month lie-in instead of one, but I’m not that selfish.
So being a reasonable man I am now recovered and back on my feet already,
itching to inspire you all by ordering you to VOTE LABOUR! It’s the answer to all our
problems, that and Love!
BIG BOB IS
BACK TOO!
The good news has just come over the constituency office’s Red-Fax teleprinter
(Teletext) and woken me up a treat – ROBERT MUGABE HAS ONCE AGAIN WON
ZIMBABWE’S PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! He was the only candidate, which surely
proves his popularity! After all, he did win by a landslide.
So now it’s time for the people of Zimbabwe to get fully behind their
re-newed leader and stop whingeing about poverty and human rights abuses and
the leader of the opposition party dropping out of the election race in fear of
his life. After all,
there are loftier concerns for the Breadbasket of Africa – such as standing
alongside South Africa to berate the white First World for being so horrible to
them!
We in the Left can understand where they’re coming from, taking on
issues of humanity with such steel - so much so we subsidise
their ‘dictatorships’ handsomely for their righteousness, both with money
and unswerving
political loyalty!
SO LET US ALL STAND TOGETHER IN LEFTIST UNITY AGAINST BIGOTRY, POVERTY
AND IMPERIALISM, ALL IN THE NAME OF RAINBOW
TOLERANCE AND DIVERSITY! Think of the big things and forget about the
inflation, looming strikes, high crime, pourous borders, European federal
‘bastard’-state, bad poll ratings, lost computer data, etc… God, it’s all so
trivial!
VOTE LABOUR! My God, I’m back on sparkling form!
SECTIONS
Britain
and its noble people are worth fighting for. Don’t let the Public spoil it for
us!
JOHNATHAN’S TRIAL OF THE
CENTURY
Even
people in Labour can be in the wrong sometimes!
(Well,
libelled by the bigoted press and slandered by a hateful Public). It can happen to any of us!
Catch
up on your Left-related concept listening.
All
the education you’ll ever need under one cyber-roof!
The
young people are the future. Make sure you get at them in order to ensure they
can create a future fit for us!
GIVE
YOUR CHILDREN AN EDUCATION INTO WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BRITISH (UNDER NEW LABOUR)!
POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS is the greatest pragmatic dogma ever! Its alignment with the
natural laws of human nature means that it perpetuates itself, though you
wouldn’t think it to see the British fail to take to it! (They’ve always been a
quarrelsome bunch of misbehaving oafs!). We’ll fix ‘em, don’t worry.
Although Cultural Marxism
is presented as somehow sinister in this film, it is nevertheless informative.
Our holy new Politically Correct moral codes, which adult bigots react against,
injects a sense of responsibility and revulsion into the bloodstream of our
neo-youth. We’ve got them trained at least to be able to recognise how anybody
thinking different to us is a racist, homophobic Hitlerite! It’s all too
reasonable.
Left Wing purity has allowed Western society to be improved
by having the bigotry and conservatism punished out of it. Threats of
neo-Nazism and jail sentences hang over the mostly middle-class male white
bigots if they dare to call for the return to their comfort zones of
‘traditional’ culture and values. (You
don’t want the streets full of dead Muslims, homosexuals and marching killers
of the BNP with blood on their hands??!!??!! That’s what makes people like
them wrong.)
BE POLITICALLY CORRECT IN ALL YOUR DOINGS – It’s in the name
of Equality, Diversity and Freedom that we must force people to live their
lives how we want! One of those paradoxes of life, but it can’t be questioned.
Not after all our efforts to ‘destroy’ existing moral frames such as
Christianity for being oppressive! We’ve put all our money on this horse, which
is why it just can’t be wrong!
So do as proper teachers do and sit
your children in front of this video; as you would by constantly pausing the
action to drone on and on with ‘additional’ information, only to discover the
narrator says the self-same things upon resumed playback.
VOTE
LABOUR – For the only worthwhile trip to
take is a GUILT TRIP! (And an acid one, as I have often discovered since
1966!) Bathe in my history and REJOICE!
We have a COMMON
PURPOSE to swamp the British with the EU way of life!
All Glory in the UNIVERSAL LIBERAL-LEFT MANIFESTO!
(That and Allah, obviously)
Well, here it is for all the budding
scholars of Political Science and Philosophy – THE COMPLETE VOLUMES of the
neutral and unbiased Lefty Ethos Of Peace, outlining as it does the best method
of transforming the Western Hemisphere
into one of tolerance, peace and equality. We must both Enlighten as well as
Punish the bigots who stand in our way – how else can we have a world of free
thinkers for a change??
WEBMASTER’S NOTE (I like being ‘master’ of the readers. Labour is
Power, see...):
I am one, well the one, of Johnathan Leftwinger MP’s
greatest admirers. In his time he has been a political Oracle, University
renegade if not actually a graduate, top quality Protest Singer (against the
scourge of the bigoted Public), an experienced broadcaster (who cut his teeth
on the seminal student radio circuit!) and Man Of The People (when they decide
to behave themselves).
At the moment I am
concentrating on a glamourous portrait, done in oils, of our benefactor. The
constituency will never be the same again since Johnathan applied his magical
reformist touch! I know most people ‘round here are moaning about him and
Labour, but they’ll wake up to the benefits he has brought before it’s too
late. Surely, they must!
The portrait, of
Johnathan standing in a sunlit meadow surrounded by apples, the Giver Of Life,
has taken rather too long to complete. Upon seeing the preliminary sketches he
decided he was depicted as too ugly. He instructed me in his manly voice that
his picture could never be ugly and that a true representation of his features
should be reproduced. I respectfully pointed out that it had to be one or the
other, but that didn’t stop him from screaming that I was a philistine and that
he didn’t deserve such shabby treatment. Of course, I wholeheartedly agree. We
mustn’t trash such a noble and wise figure, only doing but his best to
re-invigorate the moribund political scene.
However, the delay
does mean that my half a million pound grant from the County Council
sub-Committee For The Raising Of Awareness Of High Art will be increased for my
trouble. Of course, it’s not the money. The money merely represents a tangeable
measurement against which the artistic merits of the portrait and the
importance of its subject are viewed. Although you cannot put a price on
national treasures such as these, it’s always a good idea to try. To try to
demonstrate to the Public just how actually valuable Mr. Leftwinger is, in real
terms, of course. (Indeed, Leftwinger holds some sway with the Culture
Secretary. He’s still got the photographs for a start, whatever that means).
Previous essays can be found on http://www.thelabourparty.org.uk/ page
(‘An MP Writes’)
________________________________________________________________________
Classic
Quote:
“I am in the right, but not
of The Right!” – Hansard;
RELEVANT
news to enhance your life:
20th
Nov. 2006: EXCITING EXCLUSIVE –
Leftwinger Portrait Coming Along Nicely!
It is my pride and pleasure to report to you that the picture
I’m painting of our glorious MP is taking shape. According to the clock I’ve
spent £310,847 of my council grant
and I’ve already reached the point of the prototype! Mr. Leftwinger is very
pleased at the progress.
Unfortunately, I shall run over budget and over time,
but Labour are past masters at dealing with situations of this type. Indeed,
Mr. Leftwinger is making a succession of telephone calls as I type, thus
ensuring that money and time shall continue to flow freely until the project
reaches completion.
And here is the prototype in all its glory, signed by
the man himself, ready for charity auction:
_______
As a post-script I would just like
to mention that many people (well two, but for me and my social circle that is
many people) have said that Mr. Leftwinger is a megalomaniac for commissioning
his own portrait. Well, I say NO! He
merely agreed to it, that’s all, which makes all the difference. Plus, it’s
being done by me, an ordinary lowly person, for that common touch. He’d let a
proper modern artist paint it if he was just a vain, self-serving pompous kind
of person. Mind you, it will be sold by a modern artist, but that’s just for
publicity. We hope to sell it to a tax-funded art gallery you know, in order to
preserve the Leftwinger legacy. And it will ensure that even more millions will
be taken from the Public purse and put where it belongs – the Treasury.
QUOTE, UNQUOTE!
‘ That depends on
the criminals! ’ – Jack Straw’s reply to Ann Widdecombe when
she asked him whether we could see crime falling under Labour (1998).
‘ That depends on
the germs! ’ –
Johnathan Leftwinger’s reply to a constituent asking whether we could see a
drop in the rising Superbug levels in British hospitals (2006). ‘ Can I come in the Cabinet now, please? ’
URGENT EMERGENCY APPEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!!!!!!!!!! RESTORE THE WHIP TO JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER CAMPAIGN UNDER WAY!!!!!!!!!! - Mid-October ‘06 The Chief
Whip of the Labour Party has withdrawn it from Johnathan Leftwinger just
for speaking his mind. This disables His ability to conduct his
professional duties in Parliament. It may
be true that Johnathan’s free-thinking and refreshing attitudes and comments
made on the Labour Party-supporting website have been embarrassing to the
Government. But we lowly members of the Public must have been grateful to
hear from the horse’s mouth, in plain language, just what needs to be done
to Britain before it becomes as perfect a place to live as is possible. OR HAVE
WE BEEN BETRAYED BY A LABOUR GOVERNMENT DESPERATE TO KEEP THE REALITIES OF
MODERN LIFE CONCEALED FROM AN INCREASINGLY FRAGMENTED POPULATION? I’m
joking of course! But that is what the voters may conclude in their
ignorance. And as Mr. Leftwinger is by no means the first New Labour MP to
be punished just for offering good, stout Leftist viewpoints, then it can
only be added that our electorate friends may also form the ridiculous
notion that the Government is intolerant of any other view but its own. And
that must not be. Obviously,
many speeches and published documents may either need to be cleared by
Downing Street or squared off in line with Party Policy. But great
political thinkers like Mr. Leftwinger (or indeed Clare Short) can often
inadvertently rock the boat by offering up new, improved and mould-breaking
solutions to today’s problems (not that many were created by Labour,
obviously). (Incidentally,
wouldn’t it be great if Johnathan Leftwinger and Clare Short got married?!
Of course, I’m being horrifically sexist for suggesting that, but I do like
to dream of ideal partnerships. I’m just romantic that way!) To
donate, please send your pledges to the email address at the bottom of this
page. In true Labour fashion, I’ll decide how best to spend the money when
it’s all collected up in my basement. I mean, it’s a question of knowing
just how high the limit goes in order to give you an idea of when to stop
spending (although sometimes it’s best not to know so you don’t get too
disheartened). The
money will probably go on campaigners (they don’t come cheap), megaphones
and leaflet printing. And I’ll also buy Johnathan a speedboat to soothe him
after his ordeal. He can buzz around his constituency on it! It’ll pay for
itself! So get
giving. I know you’ve paid more than enough charity through taxes, what
with junkies or African schoolchildren to support, etc, but we can’t take
any more out of the Lottery pot otherwise the ignorants may boycott it!
(although politics is kept apart from Lottery grants, it actually isn’t).
And this is for the common good.
November 1st - LEFT-WING SITUATIONS UPDATE:
ANOTHER TREMENDOUS VICTORY FOR LEFTWINGER, FOR LABOUR AND
THUS ALL FREE-THINKING, RIGHTEOUS HUMAN BEINGS THE WORLD OVER!!!!!!!!!
My
mentor, Johnathan Leftwinger, has had the Whip restored to him and is now
warmly welcomed back into the Labour fold, which just proves that he was indeed
truly righteous all along.
On
the way to the Opera one night (a marvellous way for getting away from both the
Public and most culturally English things) Leftwinger had what one must call a
truly enlightening experience. Once back from Paganini (who later went on to
dominate the childrens’ pop-culture sticker-book industry, disappointingly),
one quick telephone call to the relevant minister ensured that the 1997 plan to
extend the National Census will be warmed back up again. And in return a word
in the PM’s ear ensured the Whip be restored to Johnathan, after which certain
‘evidence’ will now be burned. Politics is no longer dirty under Labour!
And the Public win too. The 2001 Census was a shambles in
which a million people refused to respond, despite a clear threat of Government
punishment. Now they can be won back with an extended, complete Census for 2011
in which they will be asked to declare income, mental states and sexual
proclivities for the first time. The Public thought the 2001 Census was
intrusive, so the only way to win their trust is to continue with the changes
and then advance further. And as Labour themselves think this the right thing
to do, then it must be just and fair. It’s logic!
And who had the idea of an ‘advanced’ Census in the first
place? Why, only a certain political dynamo who this website features! And he
is so modest and humble that the Government are allowed the credit. No wonder
He is on the up…….
DEMOCRACY IN ACTION with Johnathan Leftwinger
Hello Readers. If
you’re anything like me then you’ll see yourself as charming and respectable
and intelligent and pure. And quite right too, you’re a credit to the Labour
Movement if you’ve got those qualities. And I’m sure you’ll admire my humility
in passing these compliments.
Check these Internet
Links on the World Wide Web. You’ll find straight facts and unbiased, impartial
opinions on all the things which matter to you. For example, admire the Labour
rebel (why hide it when you can revel in it?!) or enjoy the soothing words of
my fellow MPs when discussing your favourite views. They’re more adept at
molly-coddling you lot than I am (notice more humility there).
You have to admit
that no matter how you cut it, no matter how you argue, Labour have the last
word because it’s the right word!
Makes sense!
http://www.publicwhip.org.uk/mp.php?mpn=Paul_Farrelly&mpc=Newcastle-under-Lyme
http://www.labour.org.uk/home
CONTACT:
If you wish to find out more about the Johnathan
Leftwinger Political Revision
of our Intellectual
Communal Kin social programme, or just to ask a
question, write to copperation@supanet.com
MEET MY BROTHER
Says social magnate
and political glabrate JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER
My close relative works at the local
equality department. And he has created a personalised profile of his work in a
self-congratulatory web-page, as is his right. (We in Labour have learned that
a truly self-congratulatory web-page is something only we can offer!)
Since I was elected, my brother rose
through the ranks and ensconsed himself at the top position (in his cubicle).
Biased folk have accused us of nepotism, but I don’t see what setting fire to
things has got to do with anything! (Indeed, a Scottish Labour Lord did that to
some hotel curtains last year and he’s still there! Proof indeed that
eccentricity shouldn’t hold anyone back these days!)
Since becoming such a high-level VIP in
equality circles, almost as important as me myself, he has changed his name by
deed-poll; he wanted something dynamic and to escape from his ‘middle-class,
cosy, Tory badminton club, old imperial school tie, Bisto slavemaster, cricket
balls background’. (KUDOS ON THE SHAME MATE! WELL DONE!)
Together we have fought for equality and
justice; me in Parliament and him in the civil service. IF ONLY BLACK AND WHITE
PEOPLE GOT ON AS WELL IN BRITAIN TODAY (YES, I AM INDEED LOOKING AT YOU WHITE
PEOPLE!)!