Johnathan Leftwinger MP; Man of the People (the weirder the better!)

You may remember that there is a special annual tradition which takes place at the end of each year. One for which much hard preperation must be made, but the joy experienced makes up for all the hardship.

That's right - it's when my Labour councillor colleagues and I have a 'blitz' around the constituency in which inflammatory Christian-linked decor, food and other bric-a-brac is removed from all public places. The Public don't like it, but it's all for the purposes of not causing offence! And as it's no skin off my nose then it just proves that we are right anyway.

But for all the Public who keep whining and moaning I feel I must say that it's time to put my foot down! I'm not going to let you ruin another Christmas by trying to bring Jesus into it. (You've got plasma Nicam tellies and DVD recorders now, so let it go!). Just how much more reasonable can I be?? Get into the Christmas spirit!

However, according to the Daily Mail not even rational arguments can dissuade those hardline bigots. Just like bloody kids you are, Jesus Christ! So it's time to get clever. Us academics know lots you know and our brains are extra-thinkworthy due to not being cluttered with beogh, borsh, beourgesoiey, poncy crap! So here's my plan to deal with you ungrateful peasants once and for all: (aren't I being masterful and bold by talking tough?!)

You want a religion? Alright, I'll give you a religion mate; an alternative religion, An inclusive and non-offensive religion! And it's the religion of the COMMODORE 64.

As with Christianity, which causes so much misery in the world, the Commodore 64 is known globally. And it has its own icons you know. There's the computer itself which you can worship, plus its deities such as the tape deck or the disk drive or the printer. And it's also got its own holy books, namely the User Manual and the Programmers' Reference Guide. And instead of buying the bloody Watchtower, you can download old copies of Commodore magazines or buy them off Ebay.

Some might say that there's no comparison, but I say there is, which clears that up. And Commodore 64 followers fought savagely to perpetuate their ideologies too: my nephew came home from school with a split lip and black eyes more than once, I can tell you. Those C64/Spectrum wars were pretty rough, so there.

What more can Commodore 64-ness offer? It doesn't cost anything much these days, you can pray in your own home and you can even worship with other C64 people via online fora or at those geeky meeting things! More importantly, just like with Christianity, the Commodore 64 is very old and is therefore no longer important today in any manner whatsoever (except to the old dinosaurs stuck in the past who still want to revel in it). I don't see the bloody difference mate! And most importantly of all, the Commodore 64 shouldn't upset every single Muslim, as we've convinced ourselves that Christianity does.

This is the ideal solution! And if any of you feel like moaning then don't bother, because I won't be listening chum. I've got much better things to do than listen to a bunch of inflexible Little Englanders whining all the time. I don't know why I put up with it.

MERRY COMMODORE-MAS!

PS - I'm not an ogre though, I can compromise if I have to. Therefore, if I find you don't like worshipping the Commodore 64 you don't have to. After all, there's always the SNES!