Have I Got Sweeties For You!

Political sweeties that is, not real ones! We in Labour would never get up that sort of thing, well, not often. (And even if we do have that sort of person, at least they’re Labour. Poachers turned gamekeepers, that’s all ours are, so don’t panic unnecessarily).

YOUNG LABOUR T&A

(Q&A, you berk! Are you as sexist and as ignorant as the Masses??! SEE ME – Webmaster)

with Rodney Credulous, 16.

Q: Why is Labour so keen to save Northern Rock, even going as far as to use Public money to bail it out? I thought New Labour were past Nationalisation? And why weren’t they as keen to save MG Rover not so long ago; that’s what my dad says.

A: Well you can tell your Dad to get some life experience, with all the wisdom that brings, before he launches any attacks on Labour! Fact is that people in Labour have more than a little sympathy with Northern Rock’s little scheme to invest in dodgy mortgage deals in America. After all, trust the Public to spoil the rosy financial garden just because they’d rather spend their wages on anything other than the government and nation’s wellbeing! Just like over here! Now after so many years with their snouts in the trough, the American Public ruined their economy, with the knock-on effect spreading to us (tch!). And so in order to avoid the economy collapsing, it’s about time the Public put their hands deeper into their pockets to keep our nation from ruin by propping up the first domino to totter. I mean, pity to have the nation spoiled financially when it’s going so well politically!

And anyway, the banking sector’s more important than industry. Any old person can put the bits and pieces of a toaster together (or indeed the pollutant-belching motors which everybody feels they strangely need), but it’s the wheeler-dealers of the City who are irreplaceable. We can get all the consumer goods (not to mention things like (US-stolen) oil) from abroad, but we need some clever blokes in banks to do the number-crunching when the Government needs to invest in sundry schemes.

Besides, it’ll only be nationalised until people realise that it’s actually quite a nice little bank and so it’s therefore worth buying. I mean, if even Labour can see it then it’s hardly rocket science! (Well, you know what I mean!)

Q: So why doesn’t Labour buy the bank then? They want it sold and they’re the only ones keen on the sale. Let it transfer from ‘public’ to Party ownership.

A: LABOUR HAVING ITS OWN BANK?! What a brilliant idea! Just think of all the special benefits and discounts it could offer to Party members and activists, not to mention stinging hidden charges inflicted against anyone we catch speaking out against our race/sex legislation or reading the Daily Express! AND THE SHARIA POSSIBILITIES ALONE COULD HELP HEAL THE DIVISIONS BETWEEN MUSLIMS AND EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE NATION BY PROMOTING THEIR INCLUSION INTO ‘BRITISH’ VALUES! Just think of all those fellow students coming to us as well, all eager to deposit their 21^st birthday beer tankards full of tuppeny bits into the coolest bank in town! We’ll need a good few investment Pounds for giveaway Pogs and pencils with those fluffy feathery things on the end of a spring then.

Ah, but hang on. Wait a minute. How can Labour afford a whole bank? As a party we’re in debt ourselves as it is. And we can’t even regulate an efficient cost-effective Government and it’s not even ours! And would we want to own a bank which has such a diabolical record of lumbering bad credit customers with sky-high interest rates dressed up to appear as reasonable charges? LABOUR ASSOCIATED WITH THINGS LIKE THAT? GET A LIFE!!!

But still, NORTHERN ROCK is an alright bank if somebody else wants to buy it. THINK OF THE NATION AND BAIL OUT THE ONLY ORGANISATION WHICH CAN KEEP OUR FINANCIAL WHEELS ABOVE WATER! IT’S PATRIOTIC TO WANT TO DO SO, AND THE NATION SHALL BE MUCH WISER!

SO DON’T BE SCARED OF CHANGE, EMBRACE IT (even if you don’t really know what we’re changing in the first place), THAT’S WHAT WE SAY!

VOTE LABOUR – Because when we grow old enough to drink beer and not have to suffer the embarrassment of bumfluff, can we truly appreciate the selfless actions of our celestial Cabinet!

LABOUR – TOUGH ON CRIME AND TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME!

Having A Nice Word With Knife Yobs And Potential Victims In Our Schools High On The Agenda!

NEW ARTICLE BY TRAINEE LABOUR ACTIVIST, Brian Washed, 16

The lovely boob-tastic (Sexism??!! SEE ME FOR PUNISHMENT NOW – Webmaster) Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has come up with the ideal solution to tackle violent knife crime – saying she’ll do something about it and then doing something! You’re just the tonic we need Mr. Brown!

In a marked contrast to the Home Secretaries of the Blair years, Ms. Smith will spearhead a powerful policy which will see police searches in violent schools which have suffered years of neglect, with hardened children being lectured to by ineffectual law enforcement officers (or Community Support Officers if we’re lucky).

As well as having their blades taken away, Labour shall also confiscate the sense of glamour which being psychotically violent can bring. Can’t say we know how to do that without punishing people ‘properly’, which is heinous, but I’ve been assured that the Party shall carry on experimenting with their alternative cures. ASBOS and things I know are part of the deal. Or cautions or fines or something. Which work, ‘cos I’ve been told.

In addition to all that, Ms. Smith has also said that she refuses to acknowledge that other children carry knives for self-defence in so-called ‘runaway’ crime areas. So, then, frightened potential victims need to be punished as well as the yobs. After all, if there’s no meaningful difference in the reasons why people carry weapons then it means that they’re all equally criminal. Well, it’s balance isn’t it, and balance solves everything! It’s called Moral Equivilency, stupid!!

Jacqui Smith is full of great crimefighting ideas you know. For example, teenage boozers can be punished by having the police come up to them, bold as brass, and take their hooch away! And she tried cannabis as a youngster, which gives her some kind of legitimacy to talk on the subject, unlike the typically out-of-touch drug-free Tory Home Secretaries who everybody but me had to put up with in the past!!!! (Mind you, she has been responsible for evil, such as extending detention times for alleged terrorists so the cops can have more time to doubtless fabricate more ‘evidence’, not to mention letting reformed sexual visionaries be exposed to vigilante vengeance. But still, being in power does come with the foul proviso of pandering to Public bigotry, leastways until the Lisbon Treaty is passed.)

VOTE LABOUR – Because we’re so good that people my age tend to be wiser than people your age!

YOUNG LABOURITES HAVE THEIR SAY 34,043: “Sinn Fein people saying that the Lisbon Treaty should be rejected?! Such a paradox has upset all the logic and political wisdom I’ve been taught for my life! I mean, both stand for freedom, do they not?!” – Roger Bombast, 17.

A Freeform Poem

by Ian Naïve, 19.

Oooo, Labour, A grand party ebbing and flowing

Its waters creating

The soft streams and rivers of decent

Equality politics.

Fascism and bigotry are the filth which

The cool clear waters of liberalism cleans

Away leaving nothing but a gleaming

Moral climate upon which a healthy nation

Depends.

Arguments with fathers and uncles creating a vacuum

Of knowledge and wisdom which

They lack which is why they’re blind and foolish

When they live their lives in ignorance

Of the real state of the world!

Aaaaa, Show them the way to go home they’re

Tired and they need to go to bed.

Their day is done leaving us still young still awake

To carry a diverse Britain through the 21^st Century.

Nobody must be the dominant race, particularly in

Hideously white strongholds, no bigots is nice.

Aaaaaaa!

You see this boy? He’s got vision. Although his poem could have done with more things like virgo and green hobnailed boots worn out by the moon, etc, this senimal work is still good enough to win a £25 book token!

THE JEWS WERE THE VICTIMS OF HITLER’S HOLOCAUST.

NOW TO HIT ‘EM WHERE THEY LIVE!

THE STUDENT / P.L.O. ALLIANCE – BECAUSE THE ORDINARY PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID, WE NEED TO TELL THEM WHO THE REAL ENEMIES ARE! (A DISTINCT LACK OF GLOBAL JEWISH TERRORISM MERELY CLOUDS THE ISSUE!)

ADDITIONAL NOTICE:

Our organisation URGENTLY requires more volunteers, particularly BUS DRIVERS and BACKPACKERS. Don’t argue, just sign up! We’re so intellectual, we’ll point you in the right direction (so to speak!).

We know who the REAL villains are. It’s not the Islamofascists because they say they’re blameless… WHICH LEAVES JUST ONE SET OF PEOPLE LEFT!!!!!!!! THE ISRAELITES ARE OUR FRIENDS NO LONGER FOR THEIR BETRAYAL OF OUR HOODED ALLIES! GOT THAT, BUSH?!

Peace Out!

An Introduction to

PUBLIC RELATIONS

____________________________

The Public are all very well and good as they go, but apart from voting for us they do very little in the way of good work. We do all we can for Britain, rather than for them, and then they whine that we in Labour do not hold the long-term best interests of our nation at heart! The cheek!

You in the Under-17’s Labour Party Supporters Club are the backbone of Britain. As anybody who genuinely supports New Labour you have the right idea, the right facts memorised and the right approach to any problem – the Party line.

You will discover as you grow older that you shall become even wiser than you are now. As years roll on your ability to string selected homilies together, in any order, complete with Government figures, shall grow to a level which can defeat anybody who dares to contradict us in our mission to create a classless, common-value, common-identity, common-ethnicity Tory-free Britain. I mean, it’s all well and good. But until your skills at being decent, wise and knowledgeable political oracles are honed properly, I can give you a few lessons in technique to stump the Public.

Britain shall flourish under the Left, however the Public are slow to cotton-on. But here’s where the wise comparison to trains leaving stations comes in: “You may not agree now, but when the train leaves the station you will be left standing alone on the platform and it will be too late to do anything about it by then”. It’s nice and generic, applicable to anything which we know is best but the backwards-looking Public fail to see. Things like the Single European Currency for example. It’s the old hard-sell and it works every time. (And even when it doesn’t I know it does really.)

People like to portray the ‘loony’ Left as ignorant and out of touch. So why don’t we pander to them in their stereotype? No no, we’re not ignorant and out of touch! Preposterous! But pretending will really play the Public at their own game! And mix this in with playing the Race Card against them too and you can really pull the rug from under their bigoted, disgusting fascist feet! And quite right and all now that race hatred has re-surfaced in the Public mood:

PUBLIC: Please don’t think me racist, but we’ve got more than enough immigrants in this country. We’re building over green belt land like mad to accommodate the population boom, ethnic criminals are disproportionately represented in the criminal community, the council tax has risen sharply to pay for their unemployed, they steal our valuable underpaid jobs, the terrorist threat has alarmed most ordinary people and we’re not allowed to celebrate Christmas in case it offends them. We’re full up and we’re losing our country to them!

(I don’t believe it! The sheer AUDACITY! THE DISGUSTING, RACIST, HORRIFIC, XENOPHOBIC HATE CRIMINALS! Yes, they’re frustrated at what they see as their loss of culture, customs and free speech, taken by us to suit the multi-cultural, non-racist enriching newcomers. But we can stop them in their tracks with this simple exchange)

ME: You don’t want to be seen as racist. But you say racist things! So how can you beg to be seen as a non-racist?

PUBLIC: No no, I mean, It’s not racist, me and my friend don’t think it’s racist to stand up for…..

ME: I’m afraid you’ve lost me. Could you explain yourself further?

(Oh yes, oh yes! Notice how I stump them by letting them damn themselves out of their own mouths, letting them think I’m giving them a fair hearing!)

PUBLIC: I’m not against foreigners. I don’t hate anybody. But when the ethnic makeup and cultural makeup changes and radical, isolated ghettoised communities begin to litter our nation, with us paying for it, then we can’t just sit and take it.

ME: No, I still don’t get it. In fact, I’m more confused. And how does this make you a non-racist if you don’t want foreigners living here, peacefully, in their own communities? Don’t you want assimilation and harmony?

(Foreigners are living here = Foreigners are living here in peace, unless harassed by white racists. Remember that. Oh, and the only extremist Muslims we ever truly acknowledge without being pressed are ones who carry bombs. All others are open to interpretation.)

PUBLIC: Well yes, but … blah blah, waffle, back-peddling ignorant crap!

ME: Just listen to yourself! You don’t think everybody else thinks like that do you? (A MASTER STROKE! Divide And Conquer!)

PUBLIC: Well, most of my friends also agree that…….

ME: But most people I’ve ever spoken to aren’t so intolerant! And according to these figures, nationwide opinion agrees with me.

….And so on! Just get the ball rolling and you can stump an ordinary member of the Public all day. Liberally throw in a few Government figures to show them why they’re wrong and they’ll be ground to a standstill. But suppose they have their own figures…….

ME: (all superior because I am) And where did you get those figures?

PUBLIC: The Daily Mail.

ME: The Daily Mail? Their figures are second-hand, massaged and cherry-picked, unlike ours.

There’s little risk of them saying The Guardian because they usually agree with us and no true Guardian reader would harass one of their own. And if someone truly knowledgeable tackles you, then stonewall him, ask him your own irrelevant, rambling questions and then pack him off to see a Home Office spokesman, where they’ll be well and truly turned round and round in circles and then brushed off by the true pro’s.

More such tips are freely available from any decent Sociology teacher, who shall be happy to demonstrate. But in short, the best way to react to the Public is to do so in one of three ways:

1. Sympathise, but tell them their way will fail due to faulty logic.
2. Don’t sympathise but tell them their way will fail due to the sheer complexity and inter-community resistance to such a hardline scheme.
3. Tell them that of course we need limits, checks, balances, quotas, safeguards and controls. But that sort of thing will take years, by which time budgets will run out, more pressing issues would take precedence and changes of government would potentially knock the plan off-course. Then the procedure of setting up governmental inter-departmental committees, Cabinet meetings and briefings, studies into the dire civic and constitutional impact such Public-minded bigotry would provoke, legal implications (and you can’t fight the Law!), consultations with all manner of obscure and not quite so obscure EU civil service departments, liason between Whitehall and these departments, disagreement between Whitehall and these departments, allowance for Ministerial influence on affairs between Whitehall and these departments, receiving of orders by Whitehall from these departments, feasibility studies, failure standards, arguments over failure standards between Whitehall and local authorities, multiple-referrals to ethnic liason committees, top-brass police consultations, Customs And Excise personnel meetings, border police briefings, etc, would have to begin all over again.( Including a valuable six-month wait for the vital objections from the White Fish Authority if we’re lucky.) By which time a new government would blur the issues, meaning that a refreshment of the procedure would need to re-commence, etc. And it would be racist.

So get out and battle for Britain, particularly as Left Wing projects are hated more than ever before by the ignorants.

You see?! Debating with the Public is easy. If we all pull together we can get the job done. Yes, the Public may disagree with our master plans, but that’s no reason to stop them! After all, you don’t agree to stop feeding your children vegetables just because they don’t like them! (well, I did actually, but let’s not confuse the issue).

THE BLOODY CHEEK! – The first in a new column exposing sloth, ignorance and bigotry. Published by the Under-17’s Labour Party Supporters Club

November 25 –

Johnathan Leftwinger’s portrait is being painted. And our Sociology tutor says that as the white Public are whipping themselves up into a frenzy and voting BNP by the Sierra-ful, then we need a tangible reminder that proper values still have a place in our tolerant culture.

We can’t have extremism you know. It’s appalling that the Daily Mail is such a popular read across the cosy middle class of Britain. And as even the uni I go to buys it for the student library and common room, then combat needs doing today for a better society of knowledge and wisdom, It’s what we’re learning for! We banned the Sun, but the battle for freedom ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Political Correctness is simply Mind Your Manners Time. They should put that message out in a little film to teach the Public during commercial breaks on telly. Good idea that, I’ll patent that. The portrait’s good as well, it’s worth every penny. However, a few unenlightened bigots in the outside world (‘The Big Freeze’ as my chums wittily put it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) say that they are angry that their ‘hard-earned taxes are wasted on such self-indulgence when our hospitals and other public services run derelict due to lack of funds’. A Mr. Ronald Ian Frazer of 15 Newark Road, Hounslow said that. My uncle as a matter of fact. And I’ve printed his bigotry to show him up. WELL UNCLE, YOU’VE BEEN WELL AND TRULY CAUGHT OUT WITH ME THE EXPOSER IN CHARGE!!!!!!!

The fact of the matter is that you can either embrace the new world or go down with your opulent, arrogant, Little Englander, triumphalist, neurotic Titanic ship of State! (Good analogy there if I say so myself, which I do cos only I can talk with my mouth! TOP GAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And anyway, to back that up, Roger Psychosis is the Press Agent for Mr. Leftwinger as well as the man hired to do the picture. He said “It’s disgraceful that ordinary people, with no access to the facts stored at Whitehall, and other top security governmental organisations, have the brass neck to criticise every little thing just because Mr. Leftwinger or the Labour Party may be involved. It’s just witch-hunting and hyperbole, something which the superior Mr. Leftwinger abhors! In fact, this portrait is necessary both for its artistic merit as well as the value it will hold as a part of our modern heritage. Old stones in the middle of fields and ancient Elizabethan houses (imagine the colonies of germs by now!) are well and good, but this is 21^st Century Britain now! Out with the old, in with the New Labour, etc.”

Mr. Psychosis also added, quite sagely it has to be said, “the portrait has also acted as a unifying force across the town, crossing all boundaries of race, sex or sexual proclivity. Sadly, the unity manifests itself in the shape of complaints regarding the so-called ‘waste of money’ or ‘monomania’, but it still counts. That’s your bringing the races together, that is!”

And what of the allegations of financial waste, if it’s not an insulting question, which I know it is, so please take me to court: “It’s worth every penny. The exact breakdown of expenditure is probably subject to the Official Secrets Act, so I can’t tell you unless you’ve signed it. And because I haven’t signed it, I don’t even know! Legal mumbo-jumbo, eh, you just can’t beat it!”

I bet you’re ashamed of yourselves now!

INFORMATION REPOSITORY NOW ESTABLISHED: BONE UP ON REAL LIFE GLOBAL POLITICS WITH OUR REMARKABLE COLLECTION OF ONLINE ENCYCLOPEADIAS, FOR YOUR HIGHER EDUCATION!

PS – Just a little thought coming off the back of the main description, just what’s wrong with so-called paedophiles anyway? They have sexual needs which must be fulfilled, same as anyone else! And anyway, it was only the uproar from the bigoted Public (tch, THEM again!) which finally broke Ruth Kelly’s admirable recruitment record for employing paedophiles as teachers. Don’t be ashamed mate, this is 21^st Century Britain after all!

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