Let’s face it, even under Labour, the police service
can still make wrongful arrests. After all, not only did they arrest Johnathan, but also a wide range of black people over the
years – something which smacks of Institutional Racism
when you consider just how disproportionate the ethnic minority convict
percentages are!
Which is why Johnathan
is fighting for freedom and justice – not just to clear his own name over these piffling indecent exposure
issues, but also as part of a wider project to ensure that people in Labour generally shall be presumed innocent until proven
innocent!
PORE OVER THESE CONTEMPORARY DOCUMENTS, WRITTEN AS THE SCANDAL UNFOLDED (BLOODY ‘THE MAN’, THEY SHOULD PICK ON
SOMEBODY THEIR OWN SIZE, LIKE THE PUBLIC! WE’VE CRIMINALISED THEM TO THE
GREATEST EXTENT YET FOR THEIR BIGOTRY,
SO THE AUTHORITIES SHOULD BE BUSY ENOUGH CHARGING THOSE SOCIALLY-DEFICIENT, INEPT-AT-WASTE-MANAGEMENT
BUMS!) :
VALUABLE ART TREASURE LOST THROUGH VANDALISM!
(Plus great sociological
masterpiece, politico-religious ‘PC’ tenet and educational documentary.)
Alright, the headlines lead you to think that
three things were lost, but it was three
things really. Three-In-One! By ME! What could have been a classic document has
been lost to the nation, guaranteeing that millions of people will continue to
go ignorant under Labour! (Though if we’re talking British Public, that’s just
admitting a force of nature!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
This Greek Tragedy-style story began when a truculent
journalist asked me just where I had been during the big Parliamentary debates
on the Lisbon Treaty. Not wanting to sound superfluous in regards to the big
issues of the day, I naturally fudged. Can’t have journalists, especially those
from the fascist mouthpieces of the Daily Express or Mail, being directly told
that I don’t care because people like them get the wrong end of the stick!
(They’d then go on to say “What’s more important than British Sovereignty?”
when I tell them I’ve got better things to do. WELL, EU
SOVEREIGNTY IS MORE IMPORTANT FOR A START MATE! But telling them that just
makes their tempers worse! Can’t think why.)
Then I reckoned that it would give me some credibility
at least if I actually did do something more important than reclining on the
constituency office luxury chair, playing with myself to the strains of
Careless Whisper. (Well, even THAT’S more important than debating the Lisbon
Treaty!!!!! Cutting satire mate!). So when I got my
breath back after a marathon 3-hour session (I keep myself fit, give me at
least some credit!), I put my trousers back on, sent my work-experience PA
(nudge!) back to infant school and set to work.
In a landmark session for BBC Radio (I only hope
they’ll want it now I’ve done it), I recorded one of my current favourite
lectures. After all, it’s only fair and reasonable that everybody gets to hear
the true views of somebody in Labour, else it’s just a waste of time my being
around. However, sadly, the recording engineer at my local studio turned out to
be the father of my new PA. Who, naturally, got the wrong end of the stick when
she told him about my exercises and called the police after stopping the
recording equipment. Anything to
do with sex and the staid British public go all brutally puritanical!
A-ha! Doesn’t want his threatening behaviour
against a leading morality re-shaper to be captured for the courts to hear!
HE’S the one who should be typing a blog in a cell mate, not bloody me! Destroying valuable
manuscripts and launching a one-man witch-hunt against one of the greatest
advocates of sexual freedom is a lot more serious than whatever wrong I’m
supposed to have done! (But still, even a flimsy defence will work in court for
me – I am Labour, one of the very deciders of right and wrong for the nation!
I’ll walk it, fear not. And then HE will be the one to be taken to court at
great taxpayers’ expense! JUSTICE SHALL PREVAIL!!!!!!!!!)
WELL THAT’S THE LAST TIME I TRY TO PLEASE ANYBODY
OTHER THAN MYSELF! You get nothing but ingratitude EVERY TIME!
So in the meantime, just listen to what
little of the recording remains and weep at my plight! 7 minutes is all
that exists – JUST ONE-FIFTIETH OF MY ENCYCLOPEADIC REVELATION OF TRUTH AND
BIGOTRY-BASHING, VITAL FOR BRITISH SOCIETY’S REHABILITATION! Recognition before
cure mate! AND CONTINUE TO SEND IN MORE MONEY TO THE FREE
JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER CAMPAIGN! (Mum gave me, in tears, £15. She may
well weep as I’m worth much more than that). Just like Mandela I’ve been put
away in the name of intolerance!
VOTE LABOUR – And let love win in the end!
----------------------------------------------
WEBMASTER’S
ADDRESS: Crisis Ably Handled By Web Staff. All Is Back To
JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER HAS BECOME ANOTHER
VICTIM OF ‘POLITE SOCIETY’, PIGEONHOLED AS A ‘PERVERT’ BY CONSERVATIVE
CURTAIN-TWITCHERS WHO READ THE DAILY MAIL!
Thanks to a hate campaign by the likes of the above
‘newspaper’, Mr. Leftwinger now fears for his
re-election chances. And, as a result of events, enough fury amongst bigots has
brewed up to pressure Labour to ‘fire’ Mr. Leftwinger
and de-select him as MP, as well as to call for the police and CPS to bring him
to court for his ‘crime’.
As Webmaster of this site, I don’t want to see Johnathan persecuted for his beliefs and/or actions,
especially if the ‘pigs’ claim he broke their cosy button-down middle class
anti-sex laws. Particularly when such snobby arrogant berks get up to all kinds
of kinky things behind those lace curtains back home. I can’t bear to think of
such a forceful advocate of progressive human rights sacrificed on the altar of
these Tory SCUM! (Worse, in these days of uncertainty,
even LABOUR papers can do the dirty on people merely
choosing to adopt alternative sex partners!)
But, on the other hand, it might not be all
that bad to succumb to the hysteria. After all, he is tainted now, even though
he did only pleasure himself in front of a 4-year old girl. (After all, she
didn’t understand what was happening at all, so how could she have been shocked
and emotionally scarred, as the lynch-mob Public claim??????????!!!).
After all, the Chief Whip and Prime Minister are very
angry at Johnathan at the moment and it doesn’t look
like he’ll survive. And, I mean, I’ll have to show some kind of token disgust
for Leftwinger’s actions to the new Labour MP to keep
me on as his personal Webmaster. We’ve all got our jobsworths
to think about, which is the essence of New Labouriness
after all.
AND SO, IN THAT SPIRIT, I WOULD LIKE TO
ANNOUNCE THAT JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER IS ILL, SO HE IS THUS UNABLE TO CONTINUE TO
PERFORM HIS DUTIES AS INTERNET WEBSITE WRITER-TYPE BLOKE! FOR THE GOOD OF THE
PORTION OF THE WEB-COMMUNITY WHO RELY ON PEOPLE FROM LABOUR FOR THEIR DAILY
KARMA, MY FUNCTIONS SHALL BE EXTENDED TO CONTROLLING THE FLOW OF THE WEBSITE IN
EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. ONLY A STRONG MAN CAN
CARRY THIS WEBSITE THROUGH ITS DARKEST HOUR (AND BE SUITABLY REWARDED BY
FAILING TO RELINQUISH HIS SOLE CONTROL ONCE THINGS ARE BACK TO
Mr. Leftwinger shouted
obscenities at me through his cell bars and swore revenge at the news – which
just proves his inability to be calm in a crisis and thus lead. I am in charge now and there’ll be a new regime! Time for a
new outlook, a fresh and independent review of topical events reported by a
clean person without a single publicised blemish to his name (all the evidence
for that is safely under lock and key)!
Mmm, don’t know what to do now. Like the Public, I need
somebody from Labour to continuously guide me in life and morality. I’m all on
my own now, SO LET ME CURE THIS FLUX BY WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUBORDINATING MYSELF TO SOMEBODY
AS EQUALLY OUTSPOKEN AND RADICALLY-RATIONAL AS LEFTWINGER EVER WAS! OOO,
MR. KELLY – LET ME HELP YOU SMASH THE REACTIONARY BIGOTS WHO DISAGREE WITH YOUR
EVERY WORD TOO!
VOTE
LABOUR – We must all stick together
during times of turbulent change, as we did in the 1960s! It made men (persons)
of us!
LABOUR
BABES ARE TRUE ENGLISH ROSES!
Just look at those two fresh young lovelies in the weblink! Never you mind those WI harridans-in-waiting
at the Young Conservatives, girls in Labour are the more attractive ones
chiefly due to their beautiful minds, all innocent of the Forces of Life
Experience which have corrupted the Public!
OH MY GOD! FIRST DAY AS THE NEW INDEPENDENT FREE-WHEELING
WEBMASTER AND I’VE SUCKED MYSELF STRAIGHT INTO A SEX SCANDAL AND RACISM
WHIRLPOOL ALL AT ONCE! EVERYONE’S BOUND TO BE OFFENDED, ESPECIALLY IF I THINK
THEY WILL BE!
Alright, I was only being tongue-in-cheek, but I quite
barbarically and manly PATRONISED those young women by treating them as objects
to be slavered over rather than as respectable human beings! I was only being lighthearted I was, honest, this is all a misunderstanding!
As was applying the label ‘English’, much to the exclusion of those quite nice
girls from somewhere like Asia, whose absence from the photo more than showed
up the inherent suppressed white supremacy in all of us, not to mention the
ageism of automatically failing to focus on a nice old Labour
woman equally!
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK JOHNATHAN! I’VE LEARNED
THE PITFALLS OF TRYING TO MAKE MY WAY IN THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE PROTECTIVE
UMBRELLA OF LABOUR PARTY CONTROL-FREAKERY! IT’S SO EASY TO CAUSE DEEP AND
TRAGIC SOCIAL SCHISMS; I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE THE WORLD OUTSIDE ARMED ONLY
WITH MY OWN BIGOTRY, BUT I FAILED WITHOUT YOUR UMBILICAL CORD! I JUST CAN’T BE
TRUSTED!
I
deeply deeply apologise! And I now put myself back
where I belong, under Lefties who can do no wrong!
JOHNATHAN LEFTWINGER BRAVELY UNDERGOES POLICE PSYCHOLOGY TEST!
(Incarceration
hardly dents his spirit as he continues his struggle against the Forces of
Oppression from the inside!)
Turncoat voters have lambasted Mr. Leftwinger
in newspaper letters pages and blogs; just because he
happens to have a sex life which involves children, he faces a life in ruins,
just like this
other nice chap who fell foul of manufactured social ‘standards’. Nobody
was hurt, but that fact is overlooked it would seem in
the name of mob vengeance! After all, ‘children’
(or, should I say, very Young Adults) are allowed to have beautiful sex with
their older peers in the more civilised nations – something which the
editors of the Red-Tops surely ignore in their persecution of people with
different sexual needs. Hey-ho, we
must all cope the best we can!
Johnathan faced a rather hectic day today, what with his fight
for liberty and everything, so he’s rather tired. The ex-Thatcher’s Goons
wanted him to be profiled, but oh no no no, he soon saw through that
little game! They wanted him to be put on their little computer and things,
marked as some kind of deviant on the level of the Public (?!), so he refused
in the tried and tested
When told he
was on the police computers anyway (BLOODY FAIT-ACCOMPLICES!), Johnathan’s usual diplomatic genius once again challenged
this ‘standing in judgement’ attitude of the police (you’d never get that from
people in Labour!): “Alright”, He said, “if you want a showdown mate, you’ve got
one now! My computer shall go head-to-head with your computer, fighting it out
in a Gladiators-style battle of psychological profiling attrition!” Yeah! We’ll
see who’s the most impartial now mate!
You should have seen the DI’s face! Shaken, obviously,
but he disguised that by looking bemused. Bloody good actor if you ask me!
Anyway, I fetched Johnathan’s old Commodore 64 from
the loft and set it up outside, running from a car battery-mains adaptor unit,
the equipment facing his cell bars. The police profiler was very keen to oversee Johnathan’s
second profiling, run on his very own equipment.
THE FIGHT-BACK WAS ON, using the very psychology software which Mr. Leftwinger used himself to profile the deficiencies of
everybody except him. The results for Johnathan’s own profile were also very pointed, as these
screenshots show…..
THE BINARY TRAITOR! 23 YEARS that program has been in Johnathan’s
ownership and it suddenly turns on him as if they never met! Machines can be so
impersonal and irrational sometimes. THEY WERE YOUNG TOGETHER, but now look
what happens! It was only supposed to
say negative things about people like John Major or Boris Johnson, not its very
owner! Once again, you don’t get people in Labour behaving like that to their leadership!! (It must have been annoyed at its own
imprisonment in that loft. SEE – PRISON REALLY DOES FAIL TO REFORM ITS
INMATES!!!!)
DEFEATED BY A BIASED PIG PROFILER! It must have been, he inputted the data all wrong,
that’s all. (Good job it wasn’t the computer after all, something which Johnathan and everyone else in New Labour puts so much
faith in! Phew, he almost had to rethink his entire approach to IT just then!)
Either way, he’s in his cell all dejected now, betrayed
by the very two he was persuaded to believe were impartial! His lawyer didn’t
help either, saying don’t do this and don’t do that. Still, never mind, he’s just lost the battle and not the war…..
I
shall keep you up to speed with further developments on Johnathan’s
progress as he fights to free himself – ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS RESTORE THE
EQUILIBRIUM BETWEEN THE LAWMAKERS AND THE PUNISHED! And that object is surely
defeated if either one is in the wrong half!
VOTE
LABOUR – And be
empowered by the forces of digital!
PS: That little Commodore computer almost brought down
Mrs. Thatcher when he threatened to reveal the program’s explosive judgement on
her… IN YOUR FACE ZX81 PREDECESSOR! Grab the software from here, or try this second favourite of Johnathan’s (plus the score table for it) and have a go
yourself! You MAY end up derailing the Lib Dems! (And
if you’ve no Commodore 64 to run it with, the Labour Party Computer has kindly
sourced a free easy-to-use emulator
for you, with instructions).
NB – Open score table text file in Notepad for even tabulation.
VICTORY FOR BRITISH JUSTICE – LEFTWINGER
FREED!
“Call him ‘Nelson’ for fighting for freedom”, says
Young Labour teen at the scene. (“After the admiral?”,
we ask. “Who?”, says the kid. Aaah, cute…!)
(For the background story, see here.)
DIRECT FEED FROM THE
LEFTWINGER PRESS OFFICE, that hallowed bastion of
truth and impartial reporting (GOT THAT MAIL AND SUN???!!!):
LEFTWINGER CLEARED!
TRIAL OF THE CENTURY A SUCCESS - Public
Angry, Something To Do With Sex, Defendant Cleared Anyway, Embarrassed
Government.. What More Could You Want Mate?!
The preliminary hearing of Johnathan Leftwinger ended early
today as the child at the centre of the Media's absurd sex abuse allegations
admitted to the defence lawyer that she fabricated her evidence.
The young Polish girl who Mr. Leftwinger 'employed' to take care of the constituency
office initially claimed that she was called into the main room by Johnathan, who then locked the door. She then made the
statement that he pleasured himself in front of her whilst her mother insisted
that charges be brought against him.
However, she admitted in court that she
had lied to the police at the behest of her mother in order to win substantial
compensation from our benevolent political overlord. When asked, Johnathan then explained that he always locked himself in
the office and pulled the blinds before he 'shook the German', having first
sent the girl to the nearby play area in the care of somebody else from Labour.
(Doesn't matter who - we're all New Labour and so thus can be trusted, as you
know).
One day the girl came back from the play
area early and spied Johnathan through the keyhole,
in a disgusting invasion of privacy it has to be said. She told her mother who
then told her to tell her angry father, knowing he would add extra pressure to
demand a conviction.
When the case was dropped, Mr. Leftwinger was told that despite being cleared he had
committed acts of gross negligence and stupidity which were damaging to his credibilty, integrity and judgement as a public servant. In
a reply to waiting journalists Mr. Leftwinger said
that he kept quiet about this important fact because he wanted to still be seen
as a dangerously daring radical to his hardcore Libertarian mates, who have had
their sensibilities numbed by their constant 'debauchery' over the years. In
fact He was cheated of being a martyr to convention, fighting against it from a prison cell just
like Gandhi or Lenin. HE COULD HAVE BEEN AN EVEN GREATER RED HERO!
The Prime Minister was said to be highly
embarrassed at the episode and had called for his de-selection at the time of
his conviction. A spokesman from Number Ten said "At first it seemed a
clear-cut case of child abuse. Now we face ambivilence
as we realise that Johnathan is still some kind of
perverted liabilty, but on the other hand he tried in
good New Labour style to keep his activity highly secret rather than just not
doing it. If we get rid of him for immorality, we'd have to do it to others and
then where would we be? In a minority in the Commons we're bound to say!"
To the members of the Public telling him
that he'd never be re-elected at their hands in the town, he said "There's
more than one way
to win an election", as he tapped the pillar box he was leaning against.
Ah, a man of wit, even in adversity!
What style, what grace, WHAT LABOUR! To
run the risk of sounding sexist, HE'S A MAN!
Time to face the future, TIME TO FACE UP TO LABOUR!
VOTE LABOUR AND GET THE COUNTRY MOVING AGAIN (not that it stalled under
us, obviously!!)
__________________________________
JUSTICE
WON IN THE END in this thrilling case in which the little
guy stood up to the very renegade establishment which raised him!